Here is what went down today in my own household and precipitated this post....
My eldest son hauled off and hit his brother. Our second son was moving too slowly for our eldest's tastes and an inner sense of retribution had to be met I suppose. My son hit him pretty good- no blood but, enough to leave a slight mark, cause some serious yelling and tears for effect. Immediately, I pulled my son aside, asked him what would compel him to do such a thing and then, those immortal words slipped from my mouth (read them in slow motion for effect, it is so much more fun......"Go and apologize to your brother this instant and go to your room." So, he goes over and in that ever annoying sing song voice only siblings know how to do, he said he was sorry and flippantly went up to his room to be alone (methinks that was his intention all along...). My younger son was fuming. He was physically wounded and he had absolutely no compensation for the wrong- he had been victimized twice- one by the original offense and then again by me not fixing it right from the beginning. It hit me at that moment..... I just was an accomplice in a huge lie. My son wasn't in the least bit sorry- I know that yet, I told him to say he was. He did it because he was afraid of being further punished and figured if he did it quickly, he could get on with his life. There was no genuine repentance other than the fact he got caught. I told him to run off and say he was sorry to add a quick band-aid so I could get on with my life....it was the easier thing to do I suppose..... So, one son upstairs thankful he got away with something, one son sitting in the corner seething and literally rotting from the inside out with this intense anger that I did not do more and that his brother got away with something....not cool.
.....And what happened in class later that night which in a weird way illustrated the underlying message in a different light....
A student came to me telling me her last teacher went on and on about how amazing her project was. Rather than helping her fix the thing that was bugging her and giving her insight as to why it looked less than stellar (an image that hadn't transferred correctly), the teacher glowed and went on about how wonderful it was and how she should just continue on as to not lag behind in the instruction..... She said she went into the car and felt a deep sadness because she had spent the dinero on the class to learn how to do something and that the teacher was more about making her feel good and selling product than teaching. It left her sad and empty and confirming that she was "unteachable" in her own head....tsk tsk tsk.... which, brings me back to the connection here. Unresolved hurts and hollow words.
So about art, how does saying your sorry when you do not mean it apply to art and the business of creating? It is all about character my friends and doing the hard thing....being blatantly honest and willing to spend time to figure it all out. How many times have we told someone, "WOW, that ROCKS! just to make them feel better when deep inside, we were thinking, "What the heck?" How many times have we looked at our own work and thought, "Wow, what an amazing mess, definitely not my best work but, Aunt so in so really could care less....package it up and add an extra large ribbon and use the "really" good wrapping paper.....sugar coat it and make it out to be something it really isn't? It'll be fine, just get it over with and move on to the next thing. Art is about honesty and having a meaningful conversation- it mimics the life we know afterall...... How can our work reflect what we are really thinking if we are not willing to dig deep and put the real stuff on the page? As a teacher (a person with even more responsibility), you owe it to your students to be real with them and give them constructive criticism to help them along their journey..... not sugar coat things to make them feel good- gold stars should be given out for a job well done and completed, not for picking up the paintbrush and keeping the seat warm. We all make things that may not be for everyone's tastes- perfectly fine and actually the point of creating art sometimes..... but, handing our warm fuzzies out for effort does more than destroy confidence, it ends up hampering the creative process from here on out. At that moment, when we exchange the little white lie to make them feel better for the truth which may sting a bit (Sting because it could very well be that YOU, not them, were at fault and were the poor communicator to begin with), we give a false sense of security which WILL come back to bite us in the tail..... My son, who had no sense of redemption or closure will indeed get back at his brother....it is inevitable. If you tell a student that their work ROCKS when it lacked in technique or proper understanding of the materials, it will come back to haunt you when they get a teacher willing to critique their work honestly. You, the warm fuzzy teacher will be just like the folks gawking over the Emperor's New Clothes, standing there with no respect or credibility. Me, the Mom who chose a quick and easy, "git 'er dun" solution rather than taking the time to actually stop what I was doing to address the issue (because the tough stuff always takes time folks) will be something I will have to revisit and, daresay, take a bit more to rectify (you see, I just solidified in my older son's mind that it was "OK" to lie.....that will take time to iron out).
To add punctuation to this post, my children and I discovered a decaying deer on the side of the road as we walked and talked about the great injustice I had facilitated earlier in the day. My son said point blank to his older brother, "You made me feel like that deer, all rottin'. You made fun of me bein' hurt by not meaning what you said. You are a dork! Someday you are goin' to feel like the deer and I will feel bad because I know it isn't fun." Profound from a 6 and 7 year old yes but, true. Someday, you will be on the receiving end of a condescending platitude that leaves you wondering if that person actually meant what they said......that wonder will make you doubt, that doubt will make you question, that question will make you fear and that fear will make you stagnant and once stagnant, you rot. Not cool.
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